Can I Keep You?
by gelfling
Summary: Matt reviews his relationship with Tai, and wonders what's bothering his best friend. Yaoi, or slash. Sap too.


Can I Keep You?

Standard disclaimer: Digimon doesn't belong to me, they belong to somebody else.Warning: This story is shonen ai, which means guy-guy relationship.Thou hast been warned.This is a companion to 'Chasing Melodies' written especially for my adorable reviewers who asked for a sequel.You don't need to read 'Chasing Melodies' to understand this, but it'll turn out better if you do.

Ever have the feeling that everyone knew a secret about you, except that you were the only one who didn't know it?That's been happening to me lately.Funny smiles, sideways glances, stupid jokes that no one gets except them.When I say everyone, I mean mostly Tai, my brother T.K., my digimon Gabumon, Kari, and Izzy.Those are basically my everyone's, the people I hang out with and care about the most.Even T.K., who never keeps secrets from, has been acting funny, but I can't pinpoint why.He, as well as everyone I ask, pretends that there's nothing wrong.

But you don't live the majority of your life as a Digidestined as a musician and not pick up a bit of intuition.The only person I can think of who'll spill the beans is Tai.Tais a great guy, don't get me wrong, but he couldn't keep his mouth shut to save his life, especially not from me.All I got to do is put on a puppy dog eyes that not even my _mom_ would fall for, and the deals as good as done.

I called him earlier, and asked him to meet me at my friends' garage where my band practices.Mike had to go meet his girlfriend, Aaron's relatives from Chicago come in last night, so they won't be here tonight.Shiros been sick with some sort of cold, and Evan never comes if even just one person is absent.I don't know if Daimion will come, but even if he does, that should give me enough time alone with Tai to get the information from him.It wasn't hard to convince him to come; he's taken this weird interest in my music all of a sudden.I take out my guitar and start practicing.

Tais probably my best friend in any world, as weird as he can be.I never thought that I would ever be able to work with him as Digidestined, so it's just weird that we became friends.Actually, it surprises me that I never tried to become leader of the original Digidestined instead of him.Well, actually, I did try.I went on solo missions without telling anyone, challenged his decisions and started arguments whenever possible.Those first few months I could've made any lawyer in the world green with envy.It was predictable; he would say, "We're moving to the mountains today," and I would say, "No, we're not, because that's a stupid idea.The mountains are infested with stronger Digimon, we don't have map, and have no idea were we're going.We could be walking for days in circles.We should keep going through the forests."Then we would argue until A. T.K. stopped us, B. Sora stopped us, C. A monster attacked us, or D. We were going to get into fight and I turned him down.Yep, that's the first months in a nutshell.

In reality, I argued with him because I thought _I_ should be the leader.It was obvious Tai didn't have a clue what he was doing, was too hot tempered to make a logical choice, always tried to be the hero and take the glory, and acted like an idiot most of time.Tripping on his feet, scratching his arms, trying to kill Izzy's computer, playing the clown, you name it, he did it.He was _so_ immature.He depended too much on chance and his pride.I was way better fitted to the job, or so I thought.I was calm, collected, and had _some_ sort of dignity.But I guess, at that point, I could never have been leader, because I didn't really care enough about what happened to the team, except T.K.Those first weeks, if the whole team had mysteriously disappeared down a hole, I still wouldn't have cared as long as T.K. and Gabumon were with me.I was selfish then, and in many ways I still am now.And Tai wasn't that bad.

But what _really_ made me angry was when he and T.K. started getting all chummy like.That's when I snapped.That's when I realized why I disliked him so much, and why I could never be the great guy he was.

He's changed a lot between now and then, but we all have.For the better.Now me and Tai no longer try to kill each other, but we still compete.Right now it's for who can keep pretending that nothing's going on for the longest.I'm to let him win this one; I want answers.

He came over around 8:30 pm, out of his school uniform for once and into some normal jeans and a black shirt.He looks good in black.

We trade greetings, and he watches me a few minutes in silence while I practice my guitar.I covertly sneak a glance at his face.He looks…different in the limelight.Softer, like someone smudged the outlines of his body to melt with the shadows.He's got this funny smile on, and his eyes are…I almost miss a cord.I've known Tai a long time, and I've _never_ seen him like this.His eyes are a warm cinnamon color, the color of maple trees in hottest days of fall.I can almost smell spices in the air that come with the season.He looks gentle, warm, _compassionate_, nothing like the rambunctious loud mouth I'm used to seeing.

All my life, it's felt like I've lived in eternal winter.I always thought that my parents had split because of something I'd done, something I failed to do.I felt I wasn't worth them staying, I'd failed them somehow, failed T.K.Failed myself even.Dad was always working, he was never home.Mom almost never called.I grew up alone…and cold.Can I keep my family?I had wanted the warmth and love of other families, but never got it.Warmth, comfort, and love seemed to run away when they smelled me.

And now that warmth was staring me in the face.

I look carefully at him; concentrating hard not to skip a cord this time.I almost fall over, at seeing all the affection in those eyes, looking at me, looking at my guitar, at my music.'No wonder he's been hanging around so much, and showing to all the concerts.'I straighten and look at him again, smiling, glad to have chance to finally be a part of something.

"You wanna try?"

He blinks unsteadily."Uh, you sure about that?I mean, I don't want break it or anything; you know I'm clumsy, and I don't know the first thing about playing a guitar.I wouldn't know what to do."

"Come here, I'll show you."He starts to protest."Ah, come on, I don't bite."Puppy dog look time.Deals done.

He swallows nervously, and sits down carefully next to me.I scoot up next to him, and put the guitar in his lap."Now put your hands here, no, not like that, like _this_.There that's better.Relax man, it's not hard."I guide his right hand on the neck, while my left goes around his back to lightly strum the cords, my chest pressed against his back.He's right, he _is_ clumsy.His fingers are calloused and hard, good things for the frequent guitar player, but not for the beginner.But once his nervousness wears off, he begins to get the hang of a simple ditty composed of pressing two cords in different places and keeping an even rhythm.He's good, for a beginner.Better than I was.

"So Tai, yooouuu wanna talk to me?"Time to go for the kill.

He side-glances at me idly."What about?"

"How 'bout what's been going on with T.K. and Kari and you guys?What's going on?"

"Nothin's going on."

"You're a bad liar man.Come on, spill."

"Ain't lying.There's nothing going."He gives me his best wide-eyed innocent look, but that doesn't work with me.

"So, there was nothing going on when we went to the park and Kari and T.K. started laughing like crazy?"

"They're just kids."

"You were blushing.You almost never blush, and T.K. and Kari acting like idiots have never made you blush before."He shrugs.I decide to take a gamble.

"You know," I start out gently, "you don't have to do this.Izzy already told me."

He straightens in my arms immediately, eyes wide, studying me carefully.

"You're lying."

"I never lie, you know that.I swear on my crest, on my status as a Digidestined, as, as the only person who could ever kick your ass at poker…Izzy told me.No lie" Which is partly true.After much questioning and patience, Izzy told me it wasn't his place to tell me what it was going on.He advised I ask Tai.

He looks at me disbelieving, then looks down in acceptance.His eyes were morose, and cloudy.A little bit frightened even.He stops strumming, though he doesn't move his hands away from mine.

"Hey, it's all right man.It's cool with me."He looks at me again, every bit of a deer-caught-in-headlights."I just wanted to hear it from you."

"Matt, I…"He pauses, chewing his lower lip."How much, did Izzy tell you?"He picks out every word carefully, turning it over in his mind contemplatively before giving it to me.He looks at me warily, but trusting.Time for the truth.

"He told me that something was going on.He said to ask you."No point in having Tai out to kill Izzy."Which I am, and I'm stopping until I get a straight answer."He looks relieved for a minute, then he gets that What's The Most Believable Lie I Can Tell Him Without Getting Too Far Off Track look on his face."And no lies either."

He grins sheepishly."Guess you know me too well.Never thought that would be problem."This could be serious.He studies the ground thoroughly."Matt, how long have we known each other?While now right?Long time right?"This _was_ serious.

"Yeah."

"So matter what I-, whatever we do, we'll always be friends, right?"Uh oh, this _was_ deep.

"Yeah, always.No matter what."

He nods a little at that, then studies me carefully.'Here it comes', I think.But he doesn't confess.Just stares at me, cinnamon eyes still retaining their previous warmth.But there's something else in there too, sadness, longing, a dent in the smile that I'd never noticed before.More guarded than I've ever seen him.He looks melancholy, forlorn, like a lost puppy I had found in the rain one time, but Dad hadn't let me keep it.He has that same begging-for-love-but-please-don't-hurt-me.I almost ask Tai if he would let me keep him.

He turned slightly, so he was facing me completely, but the distance between remained the same.Then, he leaned forward, never breaking his gaze.Something flip-flopped and tightened in my stomach, and goosebumbs had festival on my body.I remained frozen, mind, heart, and body, like I have most of my life.I barely registered the fact that his lips are pressed gently against mine, moving gently.

Butterfly kisses.

'He's warm, velvet soft'

Then it's gone.

Tai moves back quietly, getting up, and pulling my arms away from him.My god, I was holding him all this time…breaking my embrace…omigod how could I not have noticed before?

He sets my guitar down on the bench, studies my expression once more, and then walks out the door.

I feel like my brains frozen in neutral; it can't decide which way it wants to go, and can't move.I must of stayed like that for 15 minutes at least, turning over ideas, and thoughts, trying to get my feelings back in their neat little boxes that they had jumped out of.Belatedly, I touch my lips, tasting them, tasting him.

Cinnamon, and ginger.

'Fool, you let him go.Are you just gonna sit there all night when he could be jumping off a roof as we think.'

'But what am I supposed to do?'

'Go after him.'

'Why?It's not like I love him or anything.I mean, we're both guys for crying out loud.And I don't know what to do.I've never kissed anybody before.Not even my family.'

I sat there a while longer, thinking, before rushing off into the night to find him.

As soon as I stepped outside, my first thought was, it's wet.

And it was. 

Because it was raining.

It wasn't that crowded, considering it was a weekday and late.I stopped at a pay phone to find out if Tai was home.His mom answered nope, would Tai be spending the night at my house?

Six blocks, 16 streets, and an hour and a half later, I found him in the park.The same one we had visited last week.He was leaning on the rail overlooking the bay, not paying any attention to me even when I was standing right next to him.He kept his shoulders hunched, back slouched, hands hidden, head turned away from me.If he could've melted into the concrete, his body said he would have.I got to admit; it's a shock to see him like this, after knowing that overconfident loudmouthed jerk for so long.One of us had to do something.I wanted to say, "I'm sorry", except I wasn't real sure what I should be sorry for.

So I just put my hand on his arm, flinching when he tensed automatically.You could almost hear his nerves twanging.

Then he slapped me.Not on the face, on the arm.It still hurt though, and my sleeve seemed to accentuate the sound.His eyes burned into me, not angrily though.Afraid, and trying to hide it.Afraid of me. 

"Just go away."Then he turned his back to me again, shoulders almost indiscernibly shaking. 

Okay, now it was the big finale.What Was I Going To Do?No matter what, I would still have friend, no matter what, I would still _be_ a friend.But did I want something more?Could I _be_ something more?He had given me warmth, as was his nature.My nature said cold.A little lost puppy in the rain…

I gripped his right shoulder, and spun him around so quickly he slipped. I grabbed his other arm tightly, more tightly than I intended to, because he flinched.I shoved him against the railing, till the cold metal was practically embedded in his back.He stared at me wildly, fear now truly evident, face and lips pale with cold, bangs plastered on his forehead.He leaned as far back and away from me as the bar would allow.I must have been rougher than I intended.

I mustered all of my resolution, closed the space and cold that separated my body from his in two quick strides.He leaned back even further.Our hips met, stomachs pressed solidly together, the only thing preventing gravity from tripping us was the rail.His eyes impossibly widened even more, involuntarily turning warm and cloudy.

Then I covered his lips with my mouth.

He didn't respond for a while; he seemed to be in shock.Then he started kissing me back gently, then bolder, hungrily.His hands moved off the rail, and onto my back, hesitantly.

I straightened a little; if we stayed in that position much longer, we were going to topple into the water.He followed me willing, almost mindlessly.I broke the kiss, and looked at his eyes again, fear still there, but shadowed with passion and hope.

Cinnamon and ginger.

A lost puppy in the rain.

"Can I keep you?"


End file.
